Get on the roller coaster.

Today I am having a low day. Even though it has been 4 1/2 months since my d and c, I still ache at the loss. Days like today are ones i wish I could avoid. Starting my period every month- would love to sleep through that. Today I feel the battle to believe that I am enough Not when I get pregnant, or loose 20 lbs or have my kids college fund full- but today in my ache, mess, extra weight and impatience- today I am enough. I talked to a friend who has had several miscarriages herself and has attended a group specifically for woman who have miscarried. One thing that she shared with me is that she realized that the world does not make room for you to grieve a miscarriage. It is so internal- there was never a baby in your arms for the world to see you grieve so it can feel so lonely. Other people would say but you have two healthy children and to that I would say I do and because of that, I know what I am loosing. My heart is so very sure of god's goodness and at the same time, I have to let myself feel what I feel. Life is messy and my clean answers that I have told myself or friends before don't seem reach deep into that hurt... Only Jesus himself can venture to that place.

Always,sometimes, never.

For my family.
James
ALWAYS
Bathes the boys at night
Tells me i am pretty
Is the last one to leave church
Needs alot of condiments
SOMETIMES
Eats veggies
Will watch the bachelorette with me
Tells off color jokes
NEVER
Eats mushrooms
Puts up with gossip
plays golf

Adrianna
ALWAYS
NEEDS chapstick on my lips
Needs a daily nap
Goes in and lays with my babies after they have fallen asleep
Cries at army wives
Wants Mexican food
SOMETIMES
Likes to watch action movies
Enjoys going on an ear cleaning rage including and most favoritely the dog
NEVER
Wants to iron
Wants to play board games
Eats tomatoes

Keller
ALWAYS
Sleeps with his blue baby blanket
Wants a snack
Has hair standing up somewhere on his head
SOMETIMES
loves to sit and snuggle for hours
Blows me away with his questions and the profoundess of them
Is quiet
NEVER
stops talking ( so maybe my sometime for him was not completely acurate)
Eats cheese, drinks sodas
Meets a stranger

Graham
ALWAYS
Wants his paci
Copies his brother
Wants a piece of candy
Prays for "bubba" when asked who he wants to pray for
SOMETIMES
likes time alone
Ends up asleep in bed with Keller
NEVER
eats all of his food
Is neutral
Won't give hugs and kisses no matter what he is doing

A summer resolution.

I am going to write a post on my blog every day for the summer. For my 2 followers you are most likely perplexed by such a lofty goal seeing that I posted only a wee bit over the past year but I am turning over a new leaf. The 2 reasons I started a blog in the first place were so I could catalog my family life day in and day out. Most days seem kind of mundane especially in a job like mine but I think when you are able to write about it you begin seeing the ordinary in a new light. Like a 10 month olds fascination with a red balloon from heb. If I had not written about this I would have smiled in that moment and moved on from it but because I wrote about it, it has become a precious experience that I am able to look back on. The second reason that I began blogging was so that I could have an outlet for writing. I am not a "writer" by any stretch of anyone's imagination but I enjoy it as a hobby and like some enjoy a cigarette- it calms the nerves. So I am making this bold proclamation to you all (mom) but more to myself and I am setting new standards. I do not have to include pictures in all of my posts. My posts can be boring. My posts do not have to be tidy, grammatically perfect or clean up well. Just consistent and honest which is what I am striving to be in all facets of life.