Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Get on the roller coaster.

Today I am having a low day. Even though it has been 4 1/2 months since my d and c, I still ache at the loss. Days like today are ones i wish I could avoid. Starting my period every month- would love to sleep through that. Today I feel the battle to believe that I am enough Not when I get pregnant, or loose 20 lbs or have my kids college fund full- but today in my ache, mess, extra weight and impatience- today I am enough. I talked to a friend who has had several miscarriages herself and has attended a group specifically for woman who have miscarried. One thing that she shared with me is that she realized that the world does not make room for you to grieve a miscarriage. It is so internal- there was never a baby in your arms for the world to see you grieve so it can feel so lonely. Other people would say but you have two healthy children and to that I would say I do and because of that, I know what I am loosing. My heart is so very sure of god's goodness and at the same time, I have to let myself feel what I feel. Life is messy and my clean answers that I have told myself or friends before don't seem reach deep into that hurt... Only Jesus himself can venture to that place.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Always,sometimes, never.

For my family.
James
ALWAYS
Bathes the boys at night
Tells me i am pretty
Is the last one to leave church
Needs alot of condiments
SOMETIMES
Eats veggies
Will watch the bachelorette with me
Tells off color jokes
NEVER
Eats mushrooms
Puts up with gossip
plays golf

Adrianna
ALWAYS
NEEDS chapstick on my lips
Needs a daily nap
Goes in and lays with my babies after they have fallen asleep
Cries at army wives
Wants Mexican food
SOMETIMES
Likes to watch action movies
Enjoys going on an ear cleaning rage including and most favoritely the dog
NEVER
Wants to iron
Wants to play board games
Eats tomatoes

Keller
ALWAYS
Sleeps with his blue baby blanket
Wants a snack
Has hair standing up somewhere on his head
SOMETIMES
loves to sit and snuggle for hours
Blows me away with his questions and the profoundess of them
Is quiet
NEVER
stops talking ( so maybe my sometime for him was not completely acurate)
Eats cheese, drinks sodas
Meets a stranger

Graham
ALWAYS
Wants his paci
Copies his brother
Wants a piece of candy
Prays for "bubba" when asked who he wants to pray for
SOMETIMES
likes time alone
Ends up asleep in bed with Keller
NEVER
eats all of his food
Is neutral
Won't give hugs and kisses no matter what he is doing

Sunday, May 29, 2011

A summer resolution.

I am going to write a post on my blog every day for the summer. For my 2 followers you are most likely perplexed by such a lofty goal seeing that I posted only a wee bit over the past year but I am turning over a new leaf. The 2 reasons I started a blog in the first place were so I could catalog my family life day in and day out. Most days seem kind of mundane especially in a job like mine but I think when you are able to write about it you begin seeing the ordinary in a new light. Like a 10 month olds fascination with a red balloon from heb. If I had not written about this I would have smiled in that moment and moved on from it but because I wrote about it, it has become a precious experience that I am able to look back on. The second reason that I began blogging was so that I could have an outlet for writing. I am not a "writer" by any stretch of anyone's imagination but I enjoy it as a hobby and like some enjoy a cigarette- it calms the nerves. So I am making this bold proclamation to you all (mom) but more to myself and I am setting new standards. I do not have to include pictures in all of my posts. My posts can be boring. My posts do not have to be tidy, grammatically perfect or clean up well. Just consistent and honest which is what I am striving to be in all facets of life.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Since January...

Alot has happened. Happy and Sad. Overall there has been hope. Because I am not on my own computer, who knows when that will be fixed, I have no pictures- only bullets.
My little 1 has turned 2.
We put our house on the market again.
We are moving in 2 weeks to a NEW HOUSE!
I am up to my eyeballs in little boy and I love it.
I am going to be moving into a house just a mile away from the house I grew up in- never thought that would be the case.
I am still addicted to Zumba- it is my crack.
I am hopeful.
Read a life chaning book " A Thousand Gifts"
Cried and laughed alot.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Sad.

I went in for a check up at the doctor on Monday and there was no heartbeat. Very sad. This is my fourth miscarriage- two before kids and now two since Graham. I will go in for a D and C tomorrow so please pray. We are ok, always sad but we are hopeful.

Monday, December 20, 2010

3 chicks.


Walker baby 3 making "its" debute August 13,2011.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Good thing my kids are cute!






Cause they are wearing this mama OUT! The fall is always super jam packed for us and it is only beginning. Keller had his first official school program a few weeks ago- SO STINKIN' CUTE and this year they actually included the MDO kids to bubba G had his time in the limelight. Highlights from the Fall Show- Graham was kept in the bye bye buggy and I am guessing they did that because they knew that my determined-i know what I want-don't try to keep me from my mama child would run off the stage at his first chance. Instead, the little love behind him kept hitting him with her star wand and it was totally t-ing him off. He kept looking over his shoulder at her as to say, " yo babe, you fine and all but keep your wands to yourself, you cramping my style."
As for big K, two shining moments both very typical of my child. Unbeknownst to his music teacher obviously, she put Keller right in front of one of his best buddies since birth. From the minute the singing began, they were messing with each other which ended in an almost disaster of Keller fallign and almost bringing down all of the darlings in front of him. Lastly, they finished the evening by singing, "How Great is Our God" which has been his song of choice for about a month now. To see him on stage singing his heart out to Jesus, jsut about did me in. It gave me glimpses into his worshipping heart for the future- which I am needing these days because he is testing the boundaries. They both are in different ways. My children are textbook for spirited, strong willed or any other word to describe a willful child. Most days I can get some perspective and be positive but some days I am wiped. On one specific day, we went to the pumpkin patch in Temple- so cute but all I kept thinking is, get me away from my children! RED FLAG! I know I really need a break when thoughts like this begin happening. So even though the pics are cute, it was not the funnest of times we have ever had as a fam.
You know I am maxed if I am willing to skip out on Baylor Homecoming festivities- I look forward to them all year. This year all I wanted was to get out of Waco and be free of mama responsibilities for a minute. So my sweet husband took me to the Big D for lots of feasting, shopping and resting! No pics but I will say that the weekend included, four inch heels, a PHENOM jazz club, good time in the word, lots of great convos with the honey and Northpark. So I was so happy to see my monkeys and they were happy to see me. I think we both needed a break!