an honest post.

Can I be real for a moment? This is a hard stage in a young mother's life. Every day I say to myself, my body is not my own. From pregnancy, to nursing, to horsie rides and airplane and even nowadays my precious son purposely pulls my hair, pushes on me and hits me with some object everyday. I have bruises, scratches, stretch marks, varicose veins, cellulite(told you I was going to be real), and I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and think, what happened to the old me? To be honest, I struggled with being totally happy with "me" then. I mean, the normal insecurities- oh I wish my butt was smaller, I wish my arms were more tone, I wish I did not get that latin gene from my mother's side of the family that gave me good birthing hips etc. What I would give to have that old girl now. To wear those clothes and be in that skin but then I will probably be saying the same thing when I am 50 and going through menopause. So I try to be happy with the work in progress that I am in now but some days are harder than others. I want to have attainable goals and realistic ideals about health,weight and fitness. So there, I said it. I think. I am on a journey to the place I want to be. I will get there and it will be great and then I will get pregnant again and start all over.

I will get better at this...

maybe in a year! It has just been hard for me to sit down and blog, although I want to all of the time because life is anything but boring around here. Graham is 3 months old today and I can barely believe it. James and I went to visit our friends Lesley and Brett at the hospital last night to see their new baby Jane and we both walked out saying, phew glad that we are us and not them at this moment:) I think we are coming out of the fog now and really starting to settle into life with two kids. Graham is sleeping better and has become such a smiley and happy little guy. I kiss his face about a million times and day he is so darn cute. Keller is getting bigger also, really starting to look like a preschooler. Here are some recent pics of my treasures!

Where do I begin?

It has been forever since my last blog and I have good excuses-1. two kids keeping me very busy, 2. our computer has been down but we got it fixed this weekend.
So I will start with the latest. This weekend James and I took a 26 hour vacay to Dallas without the boys. My brave and fantastic parents kept both of my children- saints I know. Keeping up with a 2 1/2 year old will wear anyone out, but add to that a 9 week old who LOVES being held every single moment of the day and is still waking up at 3am for room service, that is alot of work for anyone. So my parents are such champs and are such a big reason that James and I have a great marriage- we get weekends away and dates! It was such a refreshing time. We left town after breakfast and headed to Dallas. We shopped a bit, went to the Mac store- that is a crazy place if you have never been. There is like a bazillion employees and they are all real eccentric, I was a bit out of my element but James loved it. Then we went and ate at Grimaldi's- this awesome pizza place in uptown that we found last year and loved. Then we shopped some more, then went to Sangria Tappa's bar for a little snack and some sangria- yum! Next we drove to Las Colinas to check into our awesome hotel that we pricelined and got a steal- The Omni in Las Colinas. Our room was on the 23rd floor overlooking this gorgeous lake and in the distance we could see the Dallas skyline. We napped and read and went and soaked in the hot tub outside while it was nice and cool. Got ready and went and ate at PF Changs for dinner and ended at the corner bakery for coffee and dessert. Are you seeing a trend? Lots of eating! We were asleep by 10 and besides having to get up once to pump (sorry guys) I got an awesome nights sleep. We woke up this morning and James went and got us breakfast and we ate in bed and then sat for a while journaling, reading and sipping our coffee in our robes. Packed up and headed back to town. It was just long enough too because I was ready to see my boys.

Mother's Day weekend was also wonderful. Saturday we bought a little pool for the backyard and spent most of the day outside. Then Sunday was baby dedication at church and it was so special since it was Mother's Day. Keller was dedicated to God on Mother's Day as well, so special. Then we went with my parents and had brunch. Came home and napped and then Mom and I went and saw a movie and ended the day with dinner at the folks house and the finale of the Amazing Race. I love being a mom and I love celebrating my mom, so it was such a fun day!

Kid updates- Keller amazes me with the things he says, he really is such a character. His daddy built him a fort for his bedroom- gulp, I am sure all of the mom's seeing these pics are thinking whoa, that looks a little dangerous, that is what I thought but it has not be so bad and Keller LOVES it. he wants to sleep in it most nights.
Graham is doing better. We found out he has heartburn/reflux and so he is taking zantac and that is making a world of difference. He is sleeping enough:) but we are trying to help him to stretch it out a bit.

We are slowly but surely figuring out life with two kids. It can be overwhelming at times and at other times my heart feels so full I think it will burst.

Today

1. I am so glad God's mercies are new every morning.
2. went on my first walk with Graham and felt so refreshed- I have missed exercise these past 6 weeks.
3. My baby is 6 weeks old today.
4. I am addicted to roasted garlic hummus from HEB.
5. I am sleepy but not exhausted.
6. I finally got a new mop and my kitchen floor looks amazing!
7. I love Thursday- one day closer to the weekend and Keller has Mother's Day Out.
8. I am dreading trying to find a bathing suit after being pregnant and nursing a baby- oh how the body changes.
9. I went to lunch with Mom today and sat by a pretty obnoxious little boy - throwing major fits. After about 10 minutes of his crying my mom and I were having a convo about Keller and I said, " blah blah blah, and he was so good." Mom replied, " Yeah, Keller is so good, unlike this little brat we are sitting next to." definitely loud enough for the mother to hear. Oh Mom, I love you.
10. I am looking forward to a weekend away with James in May- eating and sleeping is all that we have on the docket at this point. Happy Thursday!

From the foggy land of no sleep...

Wow life with two is non stop. I always think to myself during the day, "oh this would be a great blog story" and then I get here and I am just staring at the computer. The land of no sleep leaves me with about an 80 iq so bare with me during these weeks. Graham will be five weeks tomorrow and I can barely believe it. What a doll baby he is. He is having some sleep strugs so we are hoping to resolve them at least in a moderate way soon. I don't want to say that he has full blown colic but some definite signs of it. So I will take any advice from readers. He is starting to smile and it his heart melting. He loves to be held and will just snuggle into you- I think he may be a little more of a mamma's boy then my Keller who hardly ever snuggled but has actually become more of a snuggler as he gets older. Speaking of Keller, he gets cuter and cuter every day. Monday, he pinched his hand in my closet door and it drew blood, he was pretty painful looking. Of course I am nursing Graham as this happens and so I am trying to nurse baby, and comfort my toddler at the same time- a multitasking mom indeed! So yesterday I was asking him how his hand was and he told me, " I got punched." I said, " no baby you got pinched." SO now as soon as he sees someone,anyone, daddy, friends, the checkout lady at Target he says, " I got peeeeenched." Too cute.
Easter was super fun at my parents house. Lots of amazing food and a gorgeous turn out of a day for an Easter Egg hunt that we re did about 10 times. I love Easter 1. because it was such a big deal in my family growing up. We had a huge get together at my Aunt Ester's house with probably 15 cousins my age with the greatest back yard for a hunt. Horshoes, bar b que, so much fun. I wish we had that tradition still but every one kind of does there own thing now. And I love Easter more than ever because what a precious gift we have recieved in Jesus. I was struck by the Hebrews scripture then other morning- " for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of God." The joy of reconciliation and the joy of getting to be near his Father once again for eternity. Jesus is the greatest!

My guys.

One whole week.

Our little dude is one week old today. Wow how time flies. I know soon I will wake up and be writing his one year old tribute. Even though I am still pretty doped up on drugs and have very little sleep, I am trying to soak in every moment with Graham. As I write even, he is laying write next to me. I think I actually am more present in these first few days with him that I was with Keller.Keller was a hard labor and delivery and I struggled more emotionally at the beginning with him and I think because now I know how fast time flies, I am trying to love every moment with both of my princes. So the highs and lows of the week are as follows-
lows
Very little sleep
a very cluttered bedroom
major aches and pains
an infection in my God given bottles that has put me on antibiotics
a few sad moments that I have not been the primary care taker of Keller
HIGHS
the most beautiful and perfect son in my arms or by my side almost 24 hours a day
the fact that I am no longer pregnant and not having to pee every 2 minutes
yesterday morning, I was nursing Graham and Keller was watching Elmo's world(I know,the things you resort to) snuggled up next to me and it was one of the most full moments of my life.
seeing Keller be so precious with "baby Graham". Keller only says his name in a high pitch kind of baby voice.
success in nursing
a very clean, cleaner that it has probably ever been house, except my bedroom thanks to my wonderful mother in law who left yesterday. She was amazing, cleaned everything, brought me lunch in bed, took Keller out the park everyday.
James has had a great week back at work and is loving his new job.
and the list goes on..
my cup does overfloweth!
ps- I had to do a little "can you tell who is who" hint- Keller weighed 9 lbs and Graham weighed 6 1/2. pps- I gained 40 with Keller and 25 with Graham:)